How selfishness can be good for you!

 

Do you ever find yourself looking at other people and really feeling jealous or annoyed at them?

Maybe jealous because you see them with their hair done and nails done. Maybe they have the freedom to get a coffee alone or grocery shop alone.

 

You find yourself starring at them and wishing so bad that you could do the same. Resentment and anger sets in. It grows throughout the day without you even realizing it. You can be going home with a back seat resentment that just eats at you. Before you know it, you’re yelling at your family for small things and feeling grumpy all of the time.

You feel trapped, alone, unheard, unseen, unimportant and unloved.

You don’t feel appreciated at all. Every second of every day you are using up all of your energy and time to care for your family. “If only I had time to do the things I love!”, you think to yourself. Thoughts crowd your mind about how much needs done and how much you have to accomplish. Maybe you even dream about being able to run away even just for a night. And if you do get a few minutes alone you feel tremendous guilt.

Is it really your family’s fault? Is it really your husband’s fault for not helping? Or is it your fault?

 

And before you assume I’m victim blaming, just hear me out.

 

How often do you demand time alone? How often do you actually make yourself a priority? Probably not often at all. And whose fault is that? It’s yours. You need to take charge of your life and love yourself first.

I’m betting if you have a loving husband and family, they want to see you happy more than anything in the entire world! They want you to go do things that make you happy. Then don’t want you miserable and frustrated all of the time. They want to see you smile just as much as you want to see then smile. Because when you’re happy, everyone else is too.

And by loving yourself, you’re teaching your children that it’s ok and normal to make your happiness a priority. That it’s actually really healthy to have your own identity. If they grow up seeing you miserable and never taking any time for yourself, they will think that’s the normal thing to do. You don’t want them to be unhappy as an adult do you?

Because guess what? Chances are they’ll do some things exactly like you. So what better way to love them, than to show them an example of living themselves now?

Why should you take time to love yourself and be a little “selfish”?

 

10 reasons why being “selfish” is good for you and your family.

1. You can’t fully love others until you love yourself.

If you don’t make time to love yourself and appreciate yourself, you will end up holding a grudge against those important to you. It seems counterproductive to put yourself first even though you love everybody else so much. But you have to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of others. If you are nothing but unhappy, your kids will notice that. Unfortunately children don’t understand complex emotions so they will end up blaming themselves for your unhappiness. If you put yourself first, you will also show your children an example of prioritizing their health and needs.

They will grow up with a strong sense of self because they will feel like it’s normal to be happy and relaxed.

2. It can be free!

Prioritizing yourself does not have to cost you a dime. There are so many ways you can take care of yourself for free. This is especially helpful for single mom or moms that are on a tight budget. You can do the simplest things at no cost and zero excuses. You can take a warm bath even if it’s for 10 minutes. You can take a quick walk after dinner. You can color a picture in a coloring book and listen to soothing music. You can simply paint your nails! Sometimes we get so busy that we forget to do even little things for ourselves. Push yourself to at least try, even if it’s for a few minutes. The little things really add up into big things.

3. Make “me time “a priority in your family.

Make sure that your family is all under the understanding that having time to yourself is a priority. It might be hard at first but be firm. Set a timer for 10 minutes to be in silence. Don’t stop or give in. If you get interrupted, set the timer again. Maintain your boundaries even with your family. It might also help to pick this time during nap time with little ones or during school hours for older children. If you are feeling extra stressed and think you might snap, take that time then before it’s too late. The kids will pick up on this time of silence pretty quickly and respect it. It just takes repetition and consistency.

This can extend in the children too. They will grow up realizing that some time alone to reset is a good thing. They will eventually be able to communicate to you that they need some “me time “ as well. Make unwinding and self solitude a regular occurrence in your home.

4. Make a list of the things that you like to do alone.

It might be hard at first because you are so used to taking care of everyone else. Sometimes the only things we think we like to do are for the family. You may feel like you’ve lost yourself in your role of mother or wife. But you haven’t! You’ve just forgotten. Start somewhere small. Making the first step to try and figure out who you are is the hardest. Once you begin and keep adding to the list, it will grow bigger and bigger. You can add things like; painting your nails, going outside, coloring, painting, crafting, getting your hair done, eating a meal alone, going for a drive alone, watching your favorite movie or show alone. Etc. As you go about your normal day, make sure you pay attention to what excites you and makes you happy. Remember it to jot down later.

5. Start small.

Start by dedicating 10 minutes to yourself once a week. It’s such a small time frame that you won’t have any excuses that you don’t have time during your busy work schedule. Allow yourself just 10 minutes but also give yourself no excuses to complete this. Once you realize these 10 minutes makes you feel more relaxed, you can always allot more time in the future. Just make sure you have at least 10 minutes dedicated to yourself once a week. Set an alarm and put it in your calendar if you have to. Don’t back down! You deserve this!

6. Plan dates alone.

Just like you were planning dates with your significant other or plan doctors visits for your children, make sure you plan your dates by yourself. It doesn’t have to be often or very expensive. You can simply plan a date for yourself to go to a new coffee shop. Or plan a day to go see your favorite movie. This may have to be a gradual thing you work up to. And you will have guilt so don’t worry about it. Just do it with the guilt anyways. And let the father of your children have a turn to be with the kids alone. Even if they make a gigantic mess or he puts mismatched clothes on them. Kids need both parents alone sometimes.

7. Encourage your spouse to have alone time as well.

It is very important for the success of a relationship when each person has their own individual time. Try to communicate with your spouse or significant other about this. Communicate realistic goals where the spouse isn’t taking way more alone time than you are. Keep each other accountable for making alone time a priority. This will help any resentment resolve on both ends. One person doesn’t want to be yelled at for taking time alone and another doesn’t want to have no time at all. You both deserve a life of your own and together. It’s what keeps the relationship healthy!

8. Learn to accept and love yourself.

During those few minutes a week, learn to do some thing that you want to do. This cannot include errands or anything for anybody else. If you go shopping, make sure that you shop for you and only you. As mothers, we have a habit of making our entire world about our children and our spouse. It is sometimes really hard to even go shopping without buying something for the kids or our husband. This exercise will only work if you focus on your needs during that time.

A great place to start is to think about all five senses. What are your favorite smells? Do you like the smell of cinnamon rolls or fresh bread? Spend a few minutes at a bakery or pop in and grab yourself a small cupcake. What are your favorite things to touch? Do you like soft blankets or fuzzy socks? Make a trip to the store just to grab yourself a pair of soft socks or a blanket. Stay for a few minutes longer and feel the different textures and let yourself relax. What do you love to look at? Do you like mountains or streams? Stop on the side of a road on your way home and just look at the mountains. You can even stop and walk down into a small stream nearby and reflect for a few minutes. What are your favorite sounds? Do you like a concert or relaxing music? You could make a point to listen to soothing sounds on your way home or even go outside and sip coffee while listening to the sounds of nature.

9. Mood boost.

Having alone time and being “selfish“ will give you a major mood boost. Pay attention to how you feel and maybe journal how you feel every day. Once you start implementing alone time, jot down how your mood differs from the rest of the week. You could jot it down in a daily scheduling book. Just a few words or thoughts next to your daily activities. Note when you take alone time too. See if your alone time is improving your mood and if others notice.

When you become happy, the family becomes happy. You are actually loving your family by putting yourself first.

10. If you are a single mom and struggling, alone time applies to you even more!

I was a single mom for over a decade, and I had to learn how to get alone time. Since there is no one else to relieve you of your motherly duties it can be really hard. But it can be done! It’s a necessity for life when you’re all alone. It may seem counterproductive but being alone to raise children means you need more alone time. And I’m not talking about days or hours. I’m talking about making 10 minutes of uninterrupted time alone a DAILY PRIORITY. You’re only human. You need the brain break!

When I first started this as a single mother, I would sit outside and color while the kids were on nap time. Then I would take hot baths for about 20 minutes while they watched a movie. I kept the door open until they got older. It may take a lot more planning and organizing but alone time as a single mom is double to triple it more important. Since single moms are doing literally everything alone, they need a lot more time to recharge. Single moms get burnt out way faster. Make sure that you are saying no to any extra responsibilities outside of your kids. Put your kids and yourself first and no one else. Don’t say yes to overtime or events that will stress you out. And always make time to recharge. I would recommend at least 10 minutes every single day to recharge! On the hard days you’re going to need even more breaks.

To sum everything up, being “selfish” can sometimes not only be good for you, it can be a vital tool your family needs to be healthy.

Take care of yourself and allow yourself to be happy and relaxed. Your family will thank you!