How putting yourself first is a requirement.
Have you ever heard of the phrase, “You have to put your oxygen on first so that you can help others?” If you are on a plane and it’s going down, the oxygen masks come down. In a stressful situation, you’re going to need that oxygen. But what happens if you stop to put your family’s oxygen on first? You’re going to be light headed, dizzy, disoriented, and not able to full care for them right? If you put your mask on first, you’ll get a dose of fresh oxygen that you need to stay alert. This way, you can think clearly to care for each family member.
The same is true in life. Life is a really stressful ride! It takes delicate balance and multitasking. Whether you stay at home with your children or go to work, it’s all about balance. And what good are we to our family when we are constantly burnt out?
We may think we can do it all and it’s what is best for everyone. Or if we didn’t do everything then no one would do it. But what happens when we do it all and we don’t stop? What do we become? Are we happy? Are we relaxed? Are we even happy with ourselves? No. We become naggy, frazzled, stressed and exhausted versions of ourselves.
In the state of pure exhaustion and stress we become mean and grumpy and generally start to hate ourselves. Do you think our family benefits from that? And you may say, “No one listens unless I yell.” Yes, I’ve been there. But ask yourself if you’re yelling about anything vitally important. Break down your whole life to survival. What really truly matters? Is it really the end of the world if someone loads the dishwasher wrong or doesn’t do the school project at a winning all star level? What truly matters? An immaculate home? Or is it family time where everyone is truly happy?
Why does everyone ask us where everything is all of the time? Why does everyone seem to not know anything about where anything goes? Could it be because we trained them all to come to us so they don’t do it wrong and get yelled at? Are they more afraid of us than they feel loved?
What would happen if we treated everyone with respect and acknowledged it’s their home too? What would happen if we realized that the “mess” is actually ok? What would actually be so bad about leaving the dirty dishes in the sink or letting some things go while we take a hot bath?
Would if you had plenty of time to take that bubble bath or paint your toes but you were prioritizing the wrong things?
Can you imagine a life where you got to catch up on your shows, got your hair done weekly, did some shopping with a coffee alone or even went on a girls night out every week? I bet you’d be feeling a lot more relaxed and happy when you walked in the door. Your husband would also feel happier seeing you relaxed. In turn, you wouldn’t resent him when he went golfing all day or played video games. It would trickle down to your kids knowing some time to themselves isn’t just ok, it’s a priority. Your family would grow up in a less stressful home. Their hormones would adjust at a normal rate instead of being stuck in fight or flight from the constant stress. Everyone’s anxiety level would decrease. You may find it easier to lose weight or sleep at night.
All of this just from the Mom taking time to love herself!
And yes the guilt will come. Do it anyway! Let the family figure out how to find things alone. Let them problem solve while you take time to be yourself again. Let them load the dishwasher wrong or miss some crumbs while sweeping. They’ll be ok.
Take some time to really understand why you are running around so crazy. Is it really for the family? Or are you too concerned with not being good enough? Are you afraid of what other will think? Your family already loves you for who you are. They want you to love you too! They want to watch you accept yourself for exactly who you are. I’m betting they would rather see you smile and feel happy than see a clean counter or perfect floor. Your children aren’t going to remember how clean your house was, they’re going to remember how happy you were.
And guess what? Your kids aren’t going to see the big picture and see your stress is from trying to do everything for them. They are going to immediately think there is something wrong with them. They are going to internalize all of it and think you’re angry at them because they aren’t valuable enough. Or they are going to hear your nagging and yelling and think they are terrible and can’t do anything right.
How do you change that? By loving yourself. By putting your needs first so that you can then meet their needs second. You need to be truly happy with yourself first before they can love themselves.
How do you do that? Well, here’s 10 ways you can start loving yourself:
10. Ways to love yourself.
1. Quality time with yourself.
Think of what you would want your husband to do for a date for you. Where you would want him to take you. Do that for yourself. Even if you’ve been dying to get an ice cream cone alone so no one wants any bites. Go do it! Leave your husband with the kids for a short trip just to get an ice cream cone.
When you take time to focus on your needs and your wants, you become a less stressed individual. You no longer resent your spouse or your friends for not meeting your needs. You start meeting your own needs. When you become fulfilled by yourself, you can feel a lot less stressed, more energized, and become a better friend, mother, and spouse.
2. How do I love myself?
You love yourself by becoming what you want others to do for you. It may be hard at first to know what you love about yourself or even what you enjoy. Start with a small list of your favorite things. Then be mindful of what little things excite you in your everyday life. Pay attention to yourself when a thought of resentment for someone else pops up. Go do that thing! For example, if you see a mom with freshly painted nails and feel a tinge of resentment or jealousy, that’s your clue to go do that for yourself! Be purposeful of making time for the small things.
Loving yourself isn’t as complex as it seems. You just need to set aside a few minutes to really focus on what you need and want. Think about the ways you want your spouse or friends or family to love you. Start doing those things for yourself.
3. Make a physical list of things that you love.
Don’t leave any small detail out. At first it might be a very small list. It can be really challenging at first to even remember what we love. That list will change after becoming a mother too. What we value shifts and changes as we grow and change.
Mothers have a tendency to wrap their entire world around the family and forget who they are.
By sitting down and forcing yourself to list things that you love about yourself, or that you love all by yourself, you are nurturing your being. Just the act of writing it down is good for you. You will be thinking of happy thoughts and discovering who you are. Those feelings of self love will already start to flow.
4. Try to appeal to all five senses.
When you are writing your list, think about the five senses.
Touch.
What things do you like to feel? You could love to be wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket or wear soft socks or a soft hoodie. Take time to feel those things. You could even go to a pet store and pet puppies or kittens. Maybe visit a local horse farm and pet horses or go horseback riding.
Sight.
Think of the things you love to see. I love to look at clouds and sunsets. If you are driving home from an errand, pull off to the side of the road just to look at the clouds for a few minutes. Or pay attention to the sunrise or sunset on your way to or from work. Appreciate what’s in front of you. Take it in and slow down sometimes.
Hearing.
What kinds of things do you love to listen to? Do you love soft soothing music? Do you love the sound of crickets chirping at night? Do you love the sound of rain? Listen to the sound with your earbuds or get outside and sit in nature. Go to your favorite concert or even see a local band.
Smell.
What kind of smells do you like? Do you like fresh cut grass? Do you like the smell of fresh baked cinnamon rolls? Visit a bakery and treat yourself to a cinnamon roll. Or get outside and go for a walk to smell the grass and the trees. Take off your shoes and feel the grass between your toes. Feel that energy go through your body. Let your mind go blank and feel free.
Taste.
What are your favorite flavors? Do you love chocolate? Buy yourself a small chocolate on the way home from getting groceries. You don’t have to share! Get your favorite coffee once a week or even go get yourself some fresh apples to enjoy. It doesn’t have to be junk food. Think of your favorite things to eat or taste. Enjoy them alone!
5. Actually, do the things on your list!
Make time every week to do at least one thing on your list. It doesn’t count if you can’t even dedicate five minutes to yourself. Even if you’re a single mom, find the time! Treat time alone as important as getting the kids to school. You only need 5 minutes of uninterrupted time. Some time is better than none.
Create a habit of focusing on the things that you love. Make sure that you really force yourself to pay attention to the things that you enjoy. Get to know yourself again.
6. Try to focus on only yourself during your time.
As a mother, or a busy adult, it can be really really hard to quiet your mind and think of yourself. This can be a really difficult part of this task. To be successful at loving yourself, you have to spend time with only yourself some times. When you are taking time out to focus on what you love about yourself, you have to think of only yourself. It can be quite difficult to shut out your family, friends, coworkers, and everything that is chaotic about life. But you think about that stuff every day all day. It is time to start thinking about only you. Give yourself just 5 minutes at first and build from there over time.
If you choose to use your time to go shopping, try not to get anything for your kids, husband or the house. It’s going to be hard to fight the urge but make sure you stick to it! Treat only you and deal with the guilt, just don’t give in to it.
7. Make sure that you adopt your list to fit your lifestyle.
Big goals like going on a trip can be on your list, but make sure you have a lot more attainable goals for your lifestyle. Small things like baking cookies, painting your nails or even going for a walk are more attainable for daily life. If you have too many unattainable things on your list, it will be another frustrating task that you cannot complete and therefore stress you out. The point of making a list of things you love is to enjoy them right now. You want to be able to start living the list out right away. Pay attention to life’s little joys. You’ll be amazed how fast they add up and how fast the stress melts away.
8. Keep a journal.
After you have started loving yourself, pay attention to see if you are calmer the rest of the week.
You can jot down your feelings in a journal or just simply notice how you feel. If loving yourself and taking time for yourself is working, keep it up! Keep trying more creative things and keep track of what works and what doesn’t. Ask your family if they notice a difference in you too. Keep up with your journal for good and bad days. You can even color or use stickers to make it more fun and personal. Having a document or app that you use can make you feel more of a priority.
Sometimes journaling can feel like another support system that you didn’t realize you needed. You can even simply talk out your feelings using voice to text in your phone. This is especially helpful when you don’t have time to journal. You could talk out your feelings and emotions in the middle of a commute, while waiting for the kids to get done with practice, on your drive home or before bed.
Every once in awhile look back at the journal or notes. This is where you will really see your progress. Sometimes I take private videos of my feelings. It really helps me when I look back and realize how far I’ve come. That sense of progress feels really amazing.
9. Choose to be happy.
It’s not easy to choose happiness. It’s especially hard when life can be so chaotic and unfair. But make sure you want happiness for yourself and your family. Make sure that you are doing this for you. If you want it all bad enough, you will make it happen. You can’t choose to be happy for anyone but you.
10. Let things go.
Let go of the idea in your head of what everything should look like. This will drag you down so hard. Try to quit comparing your life to the one you think you should have. This is where misery lives. It takes a lot to look at your life and realize you are living a beautiful one.
Even if things are so horrible and you’re going through a terrible time, there are so many amazing things around you. You just have to stop and see them. Next time you see a butterfly, stop and watch it move. Truly appreciate its beauty and accept that it was just for you. It was a moment in time that was given to you as a gift. You’re amazing and deserve that joy in your heart.
If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy! When you become a happier and more fulfilled person, your family will be happier too! They will feel a lot less stressed and be more relaxed seeing you feel the same. By loving yourself, and making time for yourself, you are loving your family, too! Go fall in love with yourself.